The most profound and complicated event in a man's life is becoming a father. It is also the least understood and, until recently, the least researched topic in the study of adult development. No life transition — not getting married, changing jobs, moving, or completing educational goals — will have as long-lasting an effect on a man's sense of purpose as becoming a parent.
Gender and family diversity. Bruce's framework was developed in dads groups that increasingly included gay fathers, husbands parenting together, and men questioning rigid ideas of masculinity. Fatherhood humanizes men when we allow feelings, nurturing, and connection — regardless of who shares the parenting with you.
What shifts for us as men when we become fathers?
Being a dad is a real opportunity for us men to open up, to become more vulnerable and available. It's happening all over the world. We all have our own ways of doing things, but we're all going through similar journeys, even though they differ from one culture to another.
What are the developmental stages of fatherhood?
I've found there are four stages of fatherhood that we may go through when we become fathers.
The first stage: the emergent phase
The first stage of fatherhood I call the emergent phase, when something arises within us, a realization that we need other people. Understanding our dependency is the doorway to recognizing how dependent and vulnerable our children are, especially in the early years. We realize we need our band of brothers, our family, our close friends.
The second stage: attachment
The second stage is the attachment stage when we let all the pieces of our new experience come together. This stage we need time to get to know our wife as a mom and experience all our feelings over the next few months.
The third stage: affiliation
The third stage is the affiliation stage. The dads in my groups and workshops feel an affiliation with other men, which supports the dads internal growth. It normalizes a lot of the anxieties we have in the early years of parenting, and we see that we're not alone in our experiences in the transition to fatherhood.
The fourth stage: community
The fourth stage is the community stage. I see that happening when our kids are four years or older, when they are in kindergarten, pre-school or first grade. As dads we begin to feel concerned about the environment, education, global economics. "This world and what goes outside of me is affecting my child." The dads in my groups talk about this a lot: they are no longer focused on themselves but on a bigger world. The fourth stage marks the birth of a new humanism within us as men, where we reclaim our emotional lives that are often cut off in the modern, industrialized, fast-paced, self-interested world. Instead we feel part of a bigger community and develop a sense of our responsibility towards the coming generations. This stage gives a deeper meaning to our lives.
What happens to a dad's careers when we reach the fourth stage?
There's an acknowledgment among fathers that we'll be missing out if all that our work does is provide economically for our families. We want to be in the emotional arena too.
Arthur and Libby Coleman wrote a book called Earth Father Sky Father—The changing concept of fathering where they looked at parenting without gender. What happens outside of the house they called Sky Parenting. And what happens inside the house they called Earth Parenting. The question was asked: How much work out in the world do we need as a family? How much time inside the house, at home, do we need as a family? And how do we balance earth and sky?
Each couple, each family, each father needs to find their own balance between earth and sky.
What's most powerful for a father in receiving the support of other men?
The main benefit is an improved relationship with our partners. When we just go on our own as a couple, the pressure on the wife is very high. We want her to be our wife, our lover, our best friend, our closest confidante, the person who is there for us at all times. That's too much to put on one person.
Dads find that hearing how other dads are struggling with work, marriage, sex, issues with their own dads, with family members, allows us to take pressure off the marriage. And we end up with much better relationships with our wives and in our roles as parents.
What is the major theme in your support groups?
The biggest theme is our relationship with our own fathers. We all have different experiences of our own fathers. And sometimes as all of us dads talk about our fathers, we bring into the room one big father from all our shared comments. Everyone contributes to defining what a caring, loving father is. It's as if we imagine a fatherhood we all aspire to, something larger that we're a part of.
What are some ways fathers can invite support into their lives?
My first suggestion would be to get together with 2–3 dads every other week or once a month. That could happen in a variety of ways. That's critical, particularly in the early years. When your child is older, you start being part of a community where you are with other men pretty regularly. I'm focused on the first five years when we're mostly on our own, and when we need other dads the most.
Questions for reflection
From the book — for self-reflection or discussion with your partner or a dads group:
- How has fatherhood changed you as a man?
- What has been most rewarding about being a dad, and what have you worried about most?
- What phase of fatherhood are you in now?
For month-by-month guidance during the first year, see The first twelve months of fatherhood (from the book's appendix). For ongoing reflections, read the weekly articles.
Bruce on the developmental stages of fatherhood
Deeper reading: Becoming a Dad: How Fatherhood Changes Men · Kindle — Fatherhood: The Journey from Man to Dad · Audiobook